High Corolla

"Seat Safety Switch" (seat-safety-switch)
09/25/2015 at 11:35 • Filed to: old man yells at cloud, toyota

I had that nightmare again.

I was driving a brand new Toyota Corolla to work. Loaded as hell, it was the most horrible car I could think of.

I tried to crash it into the car in front of me, but it just braked on its own and admonished me on the massive multi-colour TFT display that dominated the dashboard, taking the place of the gauges. I sensed an inherent recalcitrance in the car to allow me to destroy myself and others, but little did I know what was about to happen.

I reached for the key to turn it off, but was again defeated. Where a key should have existed, only a button marked start was present. I tried to remember how to deactivate these buttons based on my knowledge of news programs featuring deaths upon deaths of untrained operators, and was unable to do so before having to continue the stop and go shuffle hell I was trapped within. Was I really trapped?

The door handles didn’t budge. There was some kind of inherent demon, an invisible force keeping the doors shut. I could not find a manual lock release, clawing at the featureless door cards, scraping the off-tan plastic until my fingers were bloody.

I thought: maybe I can blow up the engine on purpose, all I have to do is get the car into neutral. I looked at the gear shifter. Something was wrong. It only featured letters where there should have been numbers. In a panic I shoved the shifter into N and buried the gas, only to be rewarded by the dead-reliable Toyota engine brapping with a gentle lilt, the rev limiter cutting in to keep my warranty intact.

A warning on the dashboard appeared, telling me I was engaging in behaviour unfriendly to fuel economy and I must return the car to gear. A pixelated leaf was shorn from the top of the screen, flitting across it like a condemned man swinging from a noose.

I reached for the glovebox, hoping to find a window-breaking tool or a Luger of some kind, but it was locked while the car was in motion. The dashboard-mounted camera had noticed the absence of my attention, and dinged softly to remind me to never drive distractedly. Distracted didn’t even begin to sum up what I was experiencing at this moment.

In the end, there was nothing I could do but drive to work, and when I got there and the beast finally released me from its grasp, I sat on the curb, thought about what I had done and sobbed for hours.

Behind me, I heard the sound of an air-cooled Volkswagen. I looked up to see a Baja Bug. It blinked its lights at me and shot a staccato burst of unburnt fuel from the tailpipe, detonated in beautiful Hindenburg-in-miniature firestorms.

DISCUSSION (20)

bob and john > Seat Safety Switch
09/25/2015 at 11:38

funny enough, the 2014 rolla are actually kinda nice inside.

Seat Safety Switch > bob and john
09/25/2015 at 11:39

I hear the resale value is excellent.

SidewaysOnDirt still misses Bowie > Seat Safety Switch
09/25/2015 at 11:41

I reached for the glovebox, hoping to find a window-breaking tool or a Luger of some kind, but it was locked while the car was in motion.

Wait, for serious? They lock the glovebox?

bob and john > Seat Safety Switch
09/25/2015 at 11:41

i dont even care about tht. had a buddy who traded in a 2013 mustang for one (couldnt afford the gas on the mustang...LOL)
and first thing he said to me: dude...the car feels solid...my stang would have these rattles here and there...this doesnt...HOW!? its an econo car?!?!

needless to say i just laughed.

Seat Safety Switch > SidewaysOnDirt still misses Bowie
09/25/2015 at 11:42

I don’t know, but it sounds like something those people would do.

My car doesn’t even have a glovebox anymore.

SidewaysOnDirt still misses Bowie > Seat Safety Switch
09/25/2015 at 11:42

Ahh, I thought you were listing all of the annoying features and things that these cars actually do. Haven’t riddenin a Corolla since who knows when.

CalzoneGolem > Seat Safety Switch
09/25/2015 at 11:44

My coworker drives the exact car in the top picture. Just more sun faded and crashed into.

Seat Safety Switch > SidewaysOnDirt still misses Bowie
09/25/2015 at 11:45

I haven’t either, which is why this entry is “old man yells at cloud.”

I’m not sure if the distracted-driving camera is a real thing either but it feels like it must be.

Seat Safety Switch > CalzoneGolem
09/25/2015 at 11:46

Your coworker is the grease that allows the machinery of our great economy to function. Give them a hearty handshake and an appreciative nod for refusing to bow to the vagaries of credit.

Tripper > Seat Safety Switch
09/25/2015 at 11:50

Ugh, you could have stopped at “brand new corolla”. The least fun I have ever had driving a car.

Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap > Seat Safety Switch
09/25/2015 at 11:52

I think the new Corolla looks alright.

Seat Safety Switch > Tripper
09/25/2015 at 11:54

Not for me. I once had to drive a rental CVT Versa, and they charged me 5 cents a kilometer to do so.

Seat Safety Switch > Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap
09/25/2015 at 11:55

It looks like it’s always screaming .

Tripper > Seat Safety Switch
09/25/2015 at 11:56

Haha, the corolla that I had to drive for 5 hours was a CVT as well. Never driven a Versa though.

Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap > Seat Safety Switch
09/25/2015 at 11:59

True. But at least it’s not the worst. I still really want a ke70 wagon.

Kinja'd!!!

Seat Safety Switch > Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap
09/25/2015 at 12:00

You can line up basically any pre-1993 Corolla and I’ll take it.

Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap > Seat Safety Switch
09/25/2015 at 12:02

Also very true.

Manwich - now Keto-Friendly > Seat Safety Switch
09/25/2015 at 12:17

What if your “dream” was actually reality and at this moment, you’re actually asleep and dreaming?

Seat Safety Switch > Manwich - now Keto-Friendly
09/25/2015 at 12:35

Ah, but what it if it was one of the dreams the Deer gave back to me?

http://oppositelock.kinja.com/pretty-in-plei…

Manwich - now Keto-Friendly > Seat Safety Switch
09/25/2015 at 12:42

Nah... you were definitely awake then. I saw how close you got to hitting that idiot deer. I thought you were gonna hit it.

You really shouldn’t speed on that road at night.

/goes back into my old derelict house

;-)